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23

As much as I want to live my life at the moment, I am surrounded and surmounted with things that aren’t aligned with my ultimate purpose. I believe in order to execute a goal thoroughly, we must first have a plan, or at least a way to eliminate all of the distractions. The ebb and flow of energy throughout the world right now is tragic in the least, and taking care of ourselves is so important.

Let’s put our attitudes on the back burner for a second, let’s forget our beliefs and our plans that we’ve had for months on end, let’s forget about our fears and neglect the things we love to do for a better cause. What is your better cause? Do you want to see your family succeeding? Do you want to make sure you have food to eat? Do you want to make that move, and do you want it to be perfect? I know I sure do. But there are many steps to getting to where you need to be when you have life coming from all angles. Angles like depression, stress, insecurities, secrets, angles you want to stand from shouldn’t be faulty. And although we go through bouts with these things, of being without what we deem needful, we often can act and say things out of character with our true self. In this world, it only takes a few words and actions to get out of character forever. Passions can run deep when the weight of the world falls down on you, and this can be sticky energy. I am only one person, but I feel so very deeply for the ones suffering and the ones who have less than I have. It is very important to care. It’s important to leave the judging up to God.

Lately, I’ve been diving deep into my history. There isn’t a critical point I can explain this far other than knowing within me is all of the God’s, all of the Goddesses, all of the light and darkness within, and all that nature ever was and ever can be. My passion today is to make one more step today in the right direction, weather that be personally or impersonally. It doesn’t matter what ties my heart down to this purpose, it matters that I do what I can to reach something, anything in the act of admitting that I am one person and so are you. A lot of you fight for yourselves, for your loved ones, for what you believe in, what you live for, and that is perfectly okay. But when are we going to stop fighting with each other and begin, hang in hand, fighting for each other? This is important, these times are the times you want to be alive. Your precious soul is living in the Golden Age, the perfect time to be alive. Don’t submit yourself to one body, you can easily connect to bodies whom you’ve never met and they will feel that same energy. When you focus on love, love comes around. When you focus on God, he comes around. His son died for you, and he lives in you. It doesn’t take religion to believe that, but it is the cornerstone of faith. Faith is believing in something you can’t see, but you can feel. Can you feel yourself rising into awareness as I write this, or is something holding you down? I just want to know someone can see me and accept me for who I am. I am just one woman, but I am deeply embedded in the heavens when it comes to my heart. I am deeply in tune with what I want this life to be now and forever more. I look around in this life time and I just hope that with the faith of a mustard seed, someone can feel the love that I feel when I talk about what makes me happy. Peace, love, unity and respect make me happy. Mutual understanding makes me happy. Light makes me happy.

I have been conformed in darkness since I was a child and I had to outgrow that. It was a choice, but it was also a survival instinct. When you’re staring through the eyes of a youth and you can cognize what evil is more clearly than love, you find yourself in alms with nature and all of its beauty. You find the invisible claims that create so much pain within you. You submit until in your mind, you find a way through. There is no way out of this darkness of the cognitive mind, only through. The beautiful, terrifying, insidious, and hopeful journey through will not look normal, it will not look fun, it will not look sane, or real, or even possible. It will look like a nightmare, it will look like hate in all of its many forms, but it will have glitches of love, and desperation, and hope, and need for God. We need God. I don’t care how old you are, you need this light as much as I do. Although they say perfection is a facade, this walk with God is perfect. It exists, you exist, and you exist to walk in this light with God. Whatever darkness is ailing you at the moment, just remember the 23rd Psalm, the cornerstone of the Bible for me personally.

Psalm 23(1-6)

“The Lord is my Sheppard; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

In my search throughout times, of all the amazing wisdom The Holy Bible condones, and although people may argue that it contradicts current times, or it supports things they don’t see eye to eye with, it is a book of life and this verse was written and repeated and repeated some more for anyone who needs something in life, really try to fall into this message. The Lord is my Sheppard, I shall not want. I shall not want anything that is not in God’s will for me. I shall not want what others have. I shall not want what I’m not ready to accept. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He gives me an abundance of Nature. He brings life to what was once dead, in due nature. He gives me a place to rest my head in a time of chaos and he allows me this peace of mind. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake. He removed the darkness from my soul. He took away my chains that we’re binding me to my old ways. He searched me out and found that my heart was pure and he searched my intentions and found that I was love, too. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Although I am only one body, I have the Lord and the heavens in my body. The light I embody is love. The Lord goes before me in my waking, in my sleep, and every breath I breathe. Although I am blind, my eyes are of the Lord. Thou preparest a table for me in the presence of mine enemies; thou anointest my head with oil; my cup run over. Although this road is very straight and narrow, it is divine. Although I have not the material, I have the spiritual, the divine, the infinite within my heart and within my minds eye. My wisdom comes from no less than the Lord himself, and for this I am blessed. Surely grateness and mercy will follow me all of the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. So blessed me, to those who listen to his kind words and understand his reassurances, because he means them for you, too. The more you lay down you darkness, the lighter you will feel.

This is just my personal interpretation of the 23rd psalm, as it has been sticking out at me for several weeks now. I feel a joy that is insurmountable with anything else when I feel like I am at one with God. It does no good to place a label upon this, nor religion, or conspire to dismantle the course of what someone’s heart yearns for. This is not for one, but for any who want it. It cannot be held, but withheld in the soul. It is a precious stone, a treasure to be kept. The work done for it is priceless, and it will take you on high.

Will finish later.

“The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth and have it found out by accident.“ – Charles Lamb.

The patience in understanding how to bear my sword is something I live to understand, master, and build upon. Words… They have gotten me in so much trouble. The words I spoke in the past have broken my heart in such a way as to allow me to emerge from grace. The words I have written have fallen into the hands of people with a huge lack of respect for my craft, for at the time these words we’re brand new. There was a point in my life where everything was personal. Everything in my mind was personal for me. Everything in my life pointed towards the deepest place I have ever imagined, and for so long I felt as though I was both superior as well as forsaken. Of course, today none of this is true. I know for a fact that I am no more important than You. In my heart was a mortal wound, and you just so happen to be the one I found. I understand that you don’t know me, nor know I of you. Oh, what a lie that is. I live in the shawdow of Death, dreaming of a dream of dreams that dream the only secret worth having. Beyond my control, in my need to do what I love and do what I feel is right, I expose in fragment what should be kept for a work far more important than what I am openly allowing to escape me. I know this, and for that my heart trembles. Taking advice is not something I want to do in this moment because I know what my soul needs, and this is to express whats been weighing throughout my chest. I have suffered change today, with a reaping joy and a trembling sorrow. I need to find that still, small voice that has grown to become dominate, monotonic, machine, narrative, perfect and all seeing. The long lights that passed me ever so quickly, for far too long have paid off in such a way as to appreciate that dark place. That is where Heaven remains. I have such a habit of hiding my true thoughts that I have been accused of speaking in tongues, riddles, and amongst other things; a corrupt character that is insane, immature, and unworthy of serious consideration. But to me it is sound and obvious that one who truly loves Me will listen, and hear. How much more, how much longer will I speak until the message is clear? I have before me, the most solid foundation and finding of fact that one could ask for. I don’t merely mix the poision for the root of all evil, no, because that woman isn’t me anymore.

It has gotten to where, in my pursuit of being honest, I unravel in different ways the myriad importance of my mind and where it goes. I oftentimes find shame in speaking truth in a language beyond thought, but rather mere words that seem justified in their own location. I have an identity somewhere in this, and all I’m looking for at this point is a means to grasping that. I have learned through my own words as a writer, that sometimes it is very personal. Sometimes it is a lot to bear. Sometimes, oftentimes, it is too much to understand at one time. But my bones hurt over this. My soul fights for this like a warrior, and how can I become my own person when I am stuck behind reasoning like this? I wasn’t just put here to be born, and live a life. I was put here for a reason. I was put here, and I suffer that reason daily. But God, I love it.

Is that enlightenment? To express this tireless, aching that is concurrent in my body. And over what? Love? What the fuck is Love?

And I ask that in the least apprehension to wherever this question ultimately takes me, that love is passion. For something. Someone. And it unravels itself in such a way as to know that it could never be public, always must be kept a secret for the sake of knowing. One is driven mad, to tears even, over this one simple fact. That, in the back of my mind, I could fucking make sense to someone. How I’ve lost all contact with belligerent language, other than to say this one thing. What the FUCK? Is this what life is about? To know and be known is merely a passing away of the sun, and your frustration is clearly observable from miles away, but to whom my dear? Will you ever coincide with a soul as great as yours? One must truly ask, can anyone bear the task of dealing with YOU? My dear, and I don’t mean this in a terrible way, but you have intrusions of the mind that only an expert can understand, and no one is experienced in understanding a matter quite like this, for it has never happened before. And at the thought, one is simply manipulated into controlling an aspect of coping with it. How does one simply cope with it, without going mad sometimes? On purpose, even. To ones own greater knowledge, force is thrust upon such a nature as one would hope to deal with when ceasing to care about reality.

Nerve

Who else, other than myself, to quiet the rest that stems from my body. No amount of sleep, no amount of being on my feet, nor of me grasping myself could fathom the restlessness I feel right now. That melody that feels like a weight, immovable, and unable to change. Right below the skin, it rolls off my bones. Right there in between everything, is what I feel. At first, I wanted to fight it by reading every word, and at last, that thundering echo is grasping itself within my consciousness. How delicately, chaotic.

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